Not so long ago, she thought that she could do anything. She could run faster, jump farther, and swing higher than anybody else, or at least she thought she could. She could write amazing stories, paint beautiful pictures, and make friends without even trying…and she knew it. And her smile…her beautiful smile lit up a room.
Then something happened. She started to grow up. Things with friends got difficult, and she would often come home in tears because she felt left out. Much of her confidence waned because she could not quite figure out where she fits. No longer did she feel like she could do anything. Most days she felt like she could never measure up…that everybody else was prettier, smarter, funnier, and more likable than she was. That beautiful smile of hers did not come as easily as it once did.
That is adolescence for you.
It is a roller coaster of emotion that is difficult for her, and heartbreaking for me. I remember all too well what that was like, and some days I wish that I could hide her in a bubble and protect her from all of those unpleasant emotions, but I can’t. She needs to learn about relationships and struggles, and there is no way to learn that except through experience. I know that she will someday be a more empathetic person because of having gone through these heartbreaks, but that does not make it any easier when she is in the middle of them.
The other day we were driving home from our favorite pizza place. Greg and the older boys were gone for the weekend, so Elise sat in the front seat next to me while Kate and Carson sat in the back pretending to be the “boring” people that they hear on talk radio. I started talking to her about how things were going, and she brought up some of the struggles that she was having. They mostly revolved around typical adolescent insecurities. I KNOW how that feels, and I saw an opportunity to share with her a little bit about my experience and how I was able to move beyond those feelings. So, I did. I shared what I thought was wisdom, but she did not really see it that way. She felt like my “wisdom” was making it sound like it was “so easy” to accept yourself, and she didn’t feel like she could do that right now, regardless of what I said. Instead of feeling better after talking to me, she felt more frustrated.
So much for being helpful.
I felt a little bit deflated after that conversation. I could relate to what she was going through, but she did not want to hear my words. Perhaps I was saying it all wrong. The words of my heart were probably getting jumbled up as they hit my lips. If she could only hear what was in my heart, she would want to listen. Right? But as it stood, we were not seeing eye to eye. I was stumped. Teenage boys are a completely different experience than 12-year-old girls!
As we arrived at home and I pondered what I should do next, I looked over and saw my sweet Elise texting her friends with her iPod touch. She is deprived of a phone at this point (and Instagram…because I am mean…), but she does not let that stop her from texting any and all of her friends who have access to an iPod, iPad, or iPhone. As I was trying to figure out how I could get through to her, it hit me like a ton of bricks. How does this girl like to communicate? Via text. And that is exactly how I am going to communicate with her.
So, I sent her this text:
When she read it, she came out and gave me a hug and told me thank you. It certainly went over better than my attempt at talking to her…at least in this instance. So, I got an idea…
What if I scoured the internet for uplifting quotes like this one, made them into shareable memes, and sent one to her every day? Would those words eventually sink in?
Although it kind of drives me crazy that she lives and dies by texting, if this is one way that I can connect with her, then I am going to do it! Before you say anything, let me assure you that this will not replace our one on one conversations by any stretch, or become our primary form of communication, but it will certainly not hurt to share a few uplifting words with her via text each day.
And so it begins…
I want my daughter to know that she IS beautiful, talented, capable, and worth so much more than she sees right now.
A simple text a day…
Can it make a difference?
I hope so.
My daughter is 9 years old and has all kinds of insecurity issues already!!! And I’ve had the same experience with her being more frustrated by my “advice.” The issues she has with friends and mean kids, I had too when I talk with her about it, she gets defensive. Once, when I could tell that she was particularly upset, she refused to tell me what it was about. Finally, she said she’d tell me but that I couldn’t give her any advice. Whoa! It smacked me in the face! I’m so certain that giving her the most perfect advice will solve all her problems when really, she just wants me to listen and not say anything. This is so difficult for me!!! I want to fix it all for her. So I try to go against my nature and just listen, say “I’m so sorry that is happening/I’m so sorry that you’re going through this/I’m so sorry that you aren’t being treated fairly” and then I tell her that I’m proud of how she is handling it or proud of how she responded to the person. The few times I’ve got it right and did this, she has almost immediately stopped crying and then moved on fairly quickly. I think she just wants me to hear her. I’m not naive to think this will always work, but for now, this is what speaks love to her more than all of my coaching. So along with telling her frequently how special God made her and that she is amazing and beautiful just the way she is, I am listening. I love that you found a way to connect with your daughter through texting. It’s a way that she can hear you! Great post!
You are so right, Tia! It is difficult for me to listen without wanting to give advice, too. I have also learned that sometimes she just wants to be heard and validated, not told how to fix it. I am still working on when to keep my mouth shut and when to offer advice. Hopefully I will get it right one of these days. Thanks for sharing.
Great post Lynnette! I’ve noticed this works well for my daughter as well, but I haven’t been as regular at it as I’d like to be. I’ll join you! My sweet 12 year old could use all the boost she can get too. Who can’t really?
I also love what Tia had to say. It seems they just want someone to listen and provide understanding. Then, other days, who knows what they want?! We just keep loving them and praying ’til our knees bleed and hopefully they’ll come through this beast of adolescence the kind of adults they’ve always wanted to be.
Yes, praying ’till our knees bleed…I love that. Sometimes I feel like that is the best thing to do, knowing that God knows how to help her when I am floundering. I truly believe that He will show us how to help our kids in the way that they will understand and respond to the best, even if it takes a little bit of trial and error to figure it out. We all survived adolescence, right? These kids of ours are destined to make it through as well. Thanks, Tami.