There has been a lot of hype in the media lately about leggings, yoga pants, and modesty. The controversy is thick, and reading about it has led me to reflect on what I want my kids, especially my girls, to understand about modesty.
First, you must understand that I am a big proponent of modesty. While I do think that the way in which one dresses has an impact on other people, and I surely do not want my daughters to dress scantily, I also want them to understand the real reasons why modesty is important. (Hint…it does not have to do with men controlling their thoughts…)
Sometimes I worry about the trends that I see in our society these days. You cannot turn on the TV, browse the Internet, or open a magazine without seeing a fixation on women’s bodies. The media is continuously feeding women and girls the message that good looks and perfect bodies determine happiness and success. Most women do not even realize that all of those photos have spent hours in Photoshop before ever getting to that magazine. (Visit Beauty Redefined to see several examples of digitally altered bodies. It will blow your mind.)
It is no wonder that so many women, and far too many teens and girls are obsessed with how they look. They want to be beautiful, just like all of those women that they see in the media every day. Part of that desirability, according to the underlying messages from many fashion magazines and media stars, lies in clothing, especially revealing clothing.
Jeffrey R. Holland said it this way:
You are bombarded in movies, television, fashion magazines, and advertisements with the message that looks are everything! The pitch is, ‘If your looks are good enough, your life will be glamorous and you will be happy and popular.’ That kind of pressure is immense in the teenage years, to say nothing of later womanhood. In too many cases too much is being done to the human body to meet just such a fictional (to say nothing of superficial) standard…In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world…
When all is said and done, this fixation on female bodies often leads to self-objectification. Self-objectification is, in a nutshell, what happens when we look at ourselves from an outsider’s perspective, focusing our energy on becoming something beautiful for others to admire. That, as Elder Holland said, is spiritually destructive and results in unhappiness.
According to Lexie Kite, Ph.D., and Lindsey Kite, Ph.D.:
When we live “to be looked at,” self-conscious of our bodies, we are left with fewer mental and physical resources to do what can really bring happiness. We perform worse on math tests, logical reasoning tests, athletic performance, have lower sexual assertiveness (including the ability to say “no” when needed), and we are left unfulfilled and unhappy. When we self-objectify, which is the norm today for little girls all the way up to older women, disordered eating and cosmetic surgery procedures increase, we stop raising our hands in class, and we quit pursuits of math and science degrees at greater rates. We experience immense body shame, anxiety and depression, and fixate on our bodies enough that we never get on to the great things we can and should be doing.** Girls and women LOSE — and so do the men all around us — when we fixate on bodies.
Interesting. Does wearing revealing clothing contribute to this? I believe so, and this study proves it. Researchers discovered that feelings of self-objectification, body shame, body dissatisfaction, and negative mood increased after women wore revealing clothing, as opposed to more modest dress. This idea is something that we need to address because women are worth infinitely more than the sum of their body parts.
Some well-meaning individuals say that women should dress modestly for the sake of the men or boys in their lives. While I understand the reasoning behind that idea (you want to help them control their thoughts…), and I have even fallen into the trap of thinking that same thing myself in the past, I now believe that logic, while well-meaning, is incomplete.
I have teenage boys, so I understand that the way young women dress has an impact on them. Believe me…I know. They tell me about how uncomfortable they feel around scantily clad girls. They are still learning how to deal with the same constant flow of images from the media that I already spoke of, in addition to the way in which the young women in their social circles flaunt their bodies by wearing revealing clothing.
As a mother, I appreciate it when young women dress modestly and so do my boys. They, without exception, prefer to be with modestly dressed girls. However, I do not want those young women choosing to dress modestly solely for the sake of my sons any more than I want my daughters to grow up feeling responsible for the thoughts of others.
My 12-year-old daughter is a worrier as it is. Telling her that she is in some way responsible for making sure that boys can control their thoughts would amount to a MOUNTAIN of pressure on her already burdened shoulders.
While you cannot discount the reality that immodest dress affects men, young and old, I believe that focusing on that variable alone when teaching girls about the principle of modesty is doing them an enormous disservice, because there is SO much more to it than that.
I believe that we would do better to teach them that their bodies are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and CAPABLE of so much more than simply looking pretty. Those bodies allow us to RUN, DANCE, SING, PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, SOLVE COMPLEX PROBLEMS, and CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS. They are capable of a depth of emotion that encourages us to LOVE, UNDERSTAND, and SERVE others. With them comes POWER to CHOOSE, to LEARN, and to SUCCEED.
Although they may be attractive to men, (which is a good thing, by the way) they are not created solely for others to admire. We all have bodies, but those bodies are just a small part of who we truly are. The talk on modesty would take on a whole new meaning if we all understood that one concept.
I love this quote from fashion designer Jessica Rey:
We need to teach girls that modesty isn’t about covering up our bodies because they’re bad, modesty isn’t about hiding ourselves, it’s about revealing our dignity.
I want my daughters to dress modestly, but I want them to do it because they understand that their worth is not determined by how much of their bodies they reveal. I want them to do it because they know that the media has LIED to them about what real beauty is all about. I want them to do it because they know that they are SO much more than just a beautiful object for men to desire. They are daughters of God who loves them, and who has blessed them with talents and abilities within the context of their incredible bodies that will allow them to make a difference in the world, and in so doing, to find more joy than they have ever known.
To them and you I say:
Don’t allow yourself to become so distracted by the world’s flashy lie about women that you completely miss what you have the potential to learn, to accomplish, and to become.
Those are the real reasons for dressing modestly. What that means in the context of leggings and yoga pants…I will let you decide.
**I found a fantastic lesson plan geared towards teaching LDS youth about the importance of modesty. I wish I would have had this when I was a young women’s leader! You can check it out here. It requires a donation of any amount to Beauty Redefined before you can download it, but it is WELL worth the money.
Like you mentioned, being modest goes so much deeper than just the clothing you wear. It is a frame of mind that helps you develop a strong character. My children are at that point where they need to start thinking about the image they want to portray so I am thankful for the input and advice you gave me!
I do understand where you are coming from, but what about the women and girls who want to dress ‘scantily’ because it makes them feel empowered and confident? And I believe that this way of thinking can also contribute to self hatred, guilt and the idea that a woman’s self worth is dependent on what she wears. For example I have heard comments that suggest a woman who wears more revealing clothes is automatically worth less. Besides all of this how can we define modesty anyway? The idea of modesty is constantly changing.
I surely do not believe that a woman’s self-worth is dependent on what she wears. I would never say that one who chooses to wear more revealing clothing is worth less at all. Not in a million years. In fact, I believe that we are all endowed with immeasurable worth by our creator- worth that is not dependent upon anything. Rather, it came with us into this world and is not diminished by our choices or circumstances. I believe that when we truly understand that, we will have more respect for ourselves and our amazing bodies. Sometimes that is difficult to wrap your mind around, especially with all of the pressure on women to look and dress a certain way in order to be attractive and successful, but I really believe that knowledge can be life-changing. When all is said and done, I would define modesty as an attitude of moderation that does not draw undue attention to oneself, whether you are talking about clothing, behavior, or lifestyle.
Well I think we needtoask ourselves why does immodest dress make a woman feel “empowered” in the first place. If we are completely honest about that then I think we would realize that the “powerful” feeling that comes from immodest dress is rooted in vanity and pride not in purity and humility. The Bible tells us that a woman is adorned by her good deeds. That means NO woman (and yes that is an absolute statement) needs to dress immodestly to feel empowered and that such a feeling of power is false because God is the one who gives power, value, and worth and he has already told us in his word that he loves us women for our GOOD DEEDS so that our sense of worth in order to be aligned with God’s will should come from serving him. Remember the world judges by the outer appearance but God judges on the heart.
I am disappointed that every artical, web page and discussion I read on this topic becomes about religion. No one controls me.. I choose what I want to wear. End of story. Stop being so consumed with what others are doing and focus on yourself. Be a good human.
I agree with you. People say don’t worry about other people, just worry about yourself. Well, to tell a mom that she shouldn’t be interested in her sons being uncomfortable and that she should just focus on herself instead of teaching her daughters their family values, doesn’t really sit well with most people.
Your sons should NOT be told that because they’re uncomfortable, then it means they can’t control themselves and that’s their problem. People SHOULD control themselves, but it goes for guys AND girls. Is it really appropriate for a man to walk around my house talking to me shirtless and in a speedo? Yeah, it’s silly but I’m a married woman. If I’m uncomfortable with this, does it mean I can’t control myself? That I should just worry about something else? He’s in MY kitchen talking to me. If I back up or ask him to change his clothes, am I stomping all over his right to wear whatever he wants? Am I not accepting him for who he is? Do I just “get over it”? But why should I have to be uncomfortable in my own house and talking to someone? Why can’t he respect me and my marriage to understand the appropriate way to act around me? Same goes for a woman who’s wearing a bikini and trying to talk to my husband. If he’s uncomfortable and disappears for the rest of the day, do I say that he should get over it and what a pig for not being able to control himself? That’s no fair to him. Why can’t the woman just understand that he doesn’t want to see that much of her? Why does she get to walk all over him with her ideals instead of just respecting his marriage? And if she never knew he was married or didn’t care to see that much of her, she STILL shouldn’t label my husband and shame him for feeling awkward around her. How come my son has to “just deal with it” if he’s picking up a girl for a date and she ends up wearing something he’s not comfortable with? If he doesn’t ask her out again, then should he really be labeled as a pig because he wasn’t comfortable with the thoughts he caught himself having when his guard was down? Do I really want my children to show their bodies in ways that will forever be looked at in a negative light? For some reason if I show more of my body that means I’m empowered?
Cari, I also believe that people should practice respect for others and their situations and comfort levels. Thanks for your comment.
Very good work. Man is a Spirit who lives in a mobile house called the Body. What happens in our spirit shows up in our body. If I have an adulterous heart, it will show in my sexy clothes. If you believe marriage is honourable, it will show in the remarks you make to that scantily dressed, to feast your eyes, or to avoid temptation.
So, human behaviour cannot dissect from religion, whether of faith of believing, or the faith of denying.
I understand Cari’s frustration completely. As a married woman, I want to follow a certain protocol around my husband’s friends. I want his male friends to be comfortable around me- never awkward- and I want their wives and girlfriends to appreciate that I’m mindful about cleavage and tight clinging fabrics. I want to be able to get down on the floor and play with my dear little nieces, and not have to be constantly focused on how to sit and move. In my long flowing skirts, I’m comfortable and can do pretty much any activity. I live in skirts at Disneyland…no issues there! I remember the very first day I went on an outing with my family, having recently discovered camisoles and layering tanks and tunics to wear over leggings. I was so happy that day. I felt confident, feminine, graceful, and like a ‘new me’. I was sure that God was pleased with my choice of clothing. And since transitioning last July to mostly skirts and palazzo pants, I have felt more accepting of my shape and size than in all of my forty-four years on Earth. I try to remember these positive thoughts when someone puts down my principles, suggests I’m a prude, tells me to get over it and get ‘with it’, or demeans my religion. And while I don’t have children, I still care very much about children’s development of values and self-worth. We are blessed with amazing bodies, but we are so much more than how we look on the outside!