I have a few children that might be considered “difficult,” or “strong-willed,” but I like to think of them as “spirited,” because I am absolutely convinced that their spunk was ingrained into their spirits when they were born onto this good earth. It may be genetic, but I am pretty sure that I was the easiest child to ever walk this planet; just ask my mom. I cannot confirm nor deny whether she once told me that I am getting exactly what I deserve for all of the spunk that I had as a child. But If she did say those things, I am pretty sure she was remembering my sister and not me. Any potential genetic link must have come from my husband.
Wherever that trait came from, however, I am fairly certain that an easy-going child would simply not fit into our family. Some of my kids are more laid back than others, but all of them are full of determination. Sometimes I feel like they are determined only to test my patience and ability to perform under pressure, and they are pretty darn good at doing that on occasion. And when I say “on occasion,” what I really mean is, “pretty much every day.” I love them, but they give me a run for my money as if I were getting paid for dealing with their antics.
This motherhood job is harder than it seems. I should be earning six figures; maybe more. I will not turn down any donations if you feel so inclined.
In all seriousness, raising a strong-willed child…or five of them…can be crazy hard. Since we brought 16-year-old Jordan home as a brand new baby, and he proceeded to scream himself hoarse on that first night outside of the hospital nursery, I knew that my dreams of easy children had been crushed. The Lord had other plans.
That baby tested…and tried…and exhausted every ounce of tolerance that I had, and then some. Andrew joined our family just 19 months later, and three more kids came along before Jordan turned 10. Through the exhaustion and frustration, I learned a few things. In hopes of saving you some of the heartache that I experienced as a young mom with a house full of spirited kids, here are a few words of wisdom from one who understands:
1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I felt very much alone when my kids were young and difficult. It seemed as if I was the only one who could not seem to teach my little darlings to be civil. I didn’t want anybody to know about the times when Jordan would completely lose it when he didn’t get his way, long after the terrible twos, because nobody else seemed to have that problem. At least not that I saw, and I think that is the key.
Many people don’t talk about their struggles with their children for fear that they will be judged wrongfully by people who don’t understand. However, I can tell you that this post I wrote on the blessings of strong-willed children has been read and shared more times than I can count. It has had hundreds of thousands of views on my site alone and has been republished on several other sites, including the Huffington Post, the Deseret News, the San Francisco Globe, Power of Moms, and Family Share. That tells me that there are many people who can relate to the challenges of strong-willed children, even if they don’t broadcast their struggles to the world. You are in good company.
2. THEIR STRONG WILL IS NOT YOUR FAULT
After I had kids, I chose to stay at home with them, essentially making motherhood my career. When my kids didn’t act like I thought they should, I felt like I was failing motherhood. I was convinced that some of them would end up in prison because of their poor impulse control and tendency to lose it at a moment’s notice, and it would be all my fault.
Maybe I wasn’t patient enough, but my patience was tested to the very extreme multiple times a day, and I did my best to hold it together.
Maybe I wasn’t giving them enough positive attention because some of them were in trouble every time I turned around.
Maybe I needed to learn new techniques, read more books, try more sticker charts, and then everything would be smooth sailing.
That is not how it worked for me. Instead, I just felt like a failure most of the time because nothing that I tried worked very well for very long. I just wanted my kids to be easy and agreeable, but they were not, and I didn’t know how to teach them to be that way.
I have since accepted that they were born with their temperaments, and it is my job to teach them how to use those for good, not to change them. There is also this thing called agency that allows each person to choose for themselves. As much as I sometimes want to, I cannot “make” them do anything.
Likewise, it is not my fault when they have a meltdown. Having children who make bad choices does NOT make me…or you…a bad parent. We all make mistakes.
Try your best – your very best – to encourage them to choose well, then ditch the guilt when they don’t always oblige. Hopefully, they will get it…someday. Don’t give up hope, but don’t let their choices or their stubbornness determine how you feel about your worth as a parent, either.
3. WE SHOULD STOP JUDGING EACH OTHER
People are too quick to judge. Without having lived in my house, you have no idea how hard I am trying to teach my kids, even if their behavior does not always reflect that teaching. It takes years to complete such education, so don’t jump to conclusions when you see me in the store, on an airplane, or at the playground.
4. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
Jordan, who spit in my face when I put him in time out, threw books at me in fits of rage when he did not get his way, yelled horrible things, threatened to run away at age 5 because he was in trouble (again), and pushed every button that I had, including some that I didn’t know were there, is now 16 and doing great things with his life.
He is self-motivated, self-disciplined, and thinks of others before himself. As a sophomore, he is at the top of his class while taking 5 AP classes at once. He is an accomplished pianist who consistently practices and pushes himself to do better, without any prodding from me, and is an Eagle Scout.
I do not tell you this to brag. I tell you this to give you hope because there were times when I had little hope that he would have a bright future. He is not perfect by any stretch, and I know that we are not out of the woods yet, but I don’t lose sleep over him anymore.
It takes time…years…so patience is key.
5. THE QUALITIES THAT MAKE STRONG WILLED CHILDREN SO HARD TO PARENT ARE THE SAME QUALITIES THAT WILL MAKE THEM INTO STRONG LEADERS AS THEY GROW
This one is important. If you have one of these little ones, you know the qualities of which I speak. You know that they will not be swayed when they make up their minds, no matter what you may say or do to reason with them. There is no reasoning. In their minds, their way is the only way.
When they are young, they don’t understand what is best for them, but they also DO NOT want you to tell them that they are wrong, and are not afraid to let you know that with all manner of uncivilized wailing, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing things. You know what I am talking about. You are probably living through it, just like I once did.
But fast forward a few years, and my once impossible Jordan is now a natural leader who is not afraid to stand up for what he believes. As much as I could not convince him when he was small to do something that he didn’t want to do without a HUGE fight, others cannot convince him now to do things that he does not agree with, and that is a fantastic trait, one that I am SO glad he has.
I am not saying that your resolute child will never make mistakes or follow the crowd down the wrong path. Those things may happen, and your experience may be different from what mine has been. I am saying, however, that great leaders often exhibit the same qualities as headstrong children, only in a more mature way.
As you keep these five things in mind, above all, remember not to give up on them. Their frustrating persistence that makes you want to scream right now will hopefully serve them well someday; hopefully, someday soon. Until then, hang in there and remember that you are laying the foundation for a lifetime of accomplishment, even if it feels like you aren’t getting anywhere.
I can say with a reasonable amount of confidence that you are doing better than you think.
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Thank you so much for posting that. I really WAS a quiet, obedient child. My husband was NOT, yet I get to raise the children who are so very determined while my husband quickly throws in the towel.
I had a neighbor once who told me that she could hear my teenage son yelling at me in my home when she was outside of her own home. I felt like a horrible mother with a terrible child. I told my son what she said, it wasn’t long before he was working really hard on toning down his frustration. He made amazing progress within a year. He was no longer the “loud” one by the time he graduated from high school. Now it is my 11-year old daughter that is harder to raise than all five of my other children. I hope that we all make it with our sanity intact by the time she is ready to leave home.
Reading your article has helped me see that I may not be the only mom in the city who has strong-willed children. I will work on seeing the “bright side” of the situation and remembering that an amazing person like you has had a similar issue.
Thanks, Carol. I don’t know that I am amazing…I’m just in the trenches like you are. I can relate to your struggles with your daughter, as I have a 12 year old daughter who often gives me a run for my money. I am hopeful, however, that she will come around someday. I see glimpses of what she is capable of becoming, and I hold on to those when things get tough. Hang in there. I promise you are not the only one in the city facing these challenges! There is strength in numbers, so know that there are many people, including me, who can relate to what you are going through.
Thank you for this. For many reasons. My almost-3 year old is definitely strong-willed and while her temperament isn’t learned, I know some of her behaviors are. And in seeing how she is, I realize much of it is mimicking me. And it made me realize that I am a strong-willed person myself. And that while it has bitten me many times, it has also served me well. Enabled me to survive an abusive childhood and escape and make something decent of my life and not become/remain a victim full of pain and unhealed wounds. So thank you for helping me to realize something positive about myself while learning about my daughter.
You’re welcome. It sounds like you have overcome some pretty big things along your path. My heart goes out to you. I am so happy to hear that your will has helped you to come out on top of those things in your life that could have crushed you. That is an inspiration to us all.
This week was one of “those weeks” where I just threw up my hands and cried in my closet . My two year old strong willed daughter has always been my hard one and just when I think that NO ONE knows how I feel- a friend sends me yor post. THANK YOU! Truly only other moms of strong willed children will ever know what we feel and go through and sometimes just reading that someone else has gone through it and lived lol is hope enough! Bless you for taking my thoughts and feelings and putting them into perspective and sharing your heart . You are the kind of person I wish was my neighbor I could just call up and talk to 🙂 you are an incredible writer and a great mom – I may not know you but any mom who goes through this for sure needs to en told more ! Hugs
Thanks, Krystal! Feel free to contact me anytime and we can “talk” through email. lynnette@simplyforreal.com. I’ve been there…and still am some days…so I completely understand what you are feeling. Hang in there. That little 2 year old will grow up to be amazing! *Hugs*
Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I have three children 4.5, 3 and 1.5 and they are all very strong willed and determined (yes even the 17 month old is showing signs of big just like her big brothers!) I have really been struggling lately especially with my oldest as he hit a very defiant phase and I started giving into him fighting with him all the time. I know this is terrible parenting (never fight with your kid) but he just managed to push my buttons so strongly I’d constantly find myself breaking and arguing with him. In any case I got quite desperate seeking advice from a lot of good friends and found some good resources to read, and then not long ago a friend pointed me to the other post you wrote which was shared on Desert News and it was really a huge help for me! I am trying so hard to be patient with my kids even though I often wonder why on Earth God would feel I am strong enough to raise these three because most days I feel done before they even go to bed. I do know that they will be great leaders but I cannot deny that raising these strong spirits is a challenge. I really enjoy your posts and it’s nice to hear wisdom and encouragement from someone who is a little further along the path than my husband and I are!
Jordan, I can totally relate. I often feel unequal to the challenge of raising these kids. There are days that I completely fall apart, and weeks at a time when I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I find comfort in the knowledge that the Lord knows these kids better than I do, and he somehow sees something in me that they need. I’m not sure exactly what that is, but I know that I feel like I have grown in leaps and bounds from all that I have learned in the process of parenting. Most of that growth has come through challenge, and through hitting my knees in sheer exhaustion and desperation. Maybe these kids were sent to me for my benefit, just as much as theirs. Keep up the great work! Your efforts will pay off, despite the challenges.
I’ve got a couple of pretty strong-willed girls, and it’s so nice to hear from a mom with kids older than mine (1 and 4) that it does get better–that despite all their “bad behavior,” they will come out on top with plenty of love, patience, and guidance from us!
I am so thankful to have come upon your post. I am a mother of three, and your insight and words of hope are priceless. I, myself, was a quiet and compliant child. Until my very spirited middle daughter was born (she is now seven) I never had any experience with a strong-willed child. Her temperament was obvious in infancy. She is strong-willed and intense, but also wonderful, sweet, and very thoughtful. I would say that parenting her is exhausting about 80% of the time… the constant coaxing, reminding, redirecting, intervening, emotional “talking-down”…
I believe that it is my job to learn how to parent our children and their God given temperaments. Unfortunately, I still haven’t figured it out when it comes to my daughter. I struggle to effectively parent her… There is no consequence that resonates with her. I am afraid that at times I am too critical, perhaps even judgmental of her behavior. This scares me very much, because I never want her to think that she isn’t “good” or not loved. As her mother, I cannot fail her… but I feel that I have not been elevating her as much as a parent should.
I would love to hear what strategies/techniques you’ve had success with.
On a final note, Jordan is blessed to have you as his mother. Thanks again for sharing your story.
Hi Kimberly. Oh, man, can I relate. I am still muddling through it some days with my children. It is so hard when consequences do not seem to resonate. Jordan has always been a perfectionist, and any time out for him back when he was your daughter’s age would throw him into a frenzy because it affirmed that he was not perfect. It did not exactly work, and I lived in a state of frustration because it felt like that was the discipline method of choice for everybody else. I wish I could tell you that I found the magic bullet, but mostly I just took it one day at a time. I, too, still worry that I am too critical of some of my children, and worry that they will grow up feeling like they were never good enough for me. I recently read a book that I wish I would have had when my kids were young. It is called “The Child Whisperer” by Carol Tuttle. It talks about how different children move through life differently – some more calm, some more optimistic and playful, some more intense and driven, some more reflective and perfectionistic. It has helped me to understand that all types are necessary, and the things that seem like challenges may actually be gifts when they are understood and developed correctly. I feel like I now better understand my children (and myself) so that I can more effectively parent them in the way that suits their personality. You may want to check it out. Hang in there. It will all work out. Parenting is exhausting, but worth it! 🙂
Lynette, thank you for the book recommendation. I will be picking up a copy. You are so correct; all our parental energy is worth it. I truly appreciate your feedback and insight.