You may have heard the adage that a mother can only be as happy as her least happy child. I don’t know that I believe that because everybody is in charge of their own happiness, but a struggling teen (or child…or young adult…) undoubtedly tugs at a mama’s heartstrings.
We have recently hit a rough patch with our teenagers. I have heard all of the following things from them within the past week:
“I think I must be weird because I just don’t fit in with the other kids my age.”
“The girl I asked to Prom turned me down.” (Prom is early here)
“Why don’t people like me?”
“Two different girls that I have had a crush on for a long time both told me that they were not interested in me.”
“I feel invisible. Nobody talks to me when I am at a group activity.”
“I asked my friend if I could join in on a group date that he had planned and he told me no. I thought we were good friends, but why won’t he include me?”
“I feel like a tagalong.”
There is no need to throw a dagger at my heart because it is already bleeding. I am not talking about one child, but three, all of whom are simultaneously struggling with similar issues.
Their stories are my story. Listening to them takes me back to the time when I was in their shoes; beaten down, unsure of who my friends were, and wanting nothing more than to be accepted.
I can feel the pain of those days so vividly that it brings a lump to my throat. And now I am living through it all over again.
But, this time, I am the comforter; the one who listens late into the night, watching as the kids whom I adore fight back the tears of rejection and drying the ones that slide quietly down their cheeks. I am the one who assures them that things will turn out OK while wishing that I could somehow remove the hurt.
Sometimes, I have to stop myself from calling their friends to ask them to pay a little more attention because, more than anything, I want to make everything right. But the truth is that their friends are all wonderful kids who, like my own, are trying to figure out how to navigate the turbulent waters of human relationships the same way that everybody must – through trial and error; sometimes heartbreaking error.
Stepping in the middle of such learning would cripple these growing children of mine. How would they ever learn relationship skills if I, with years of similar experience behind me, took it upon myself to fix things in order to shield them from pain?
The bottom line is that they wouldn’t; at least not to the degree that they will need to successfully forge and keep relationships throughout their lives.
They must experience the awkwardness of teenagehood, the sadness that accompanies strained or broken friendships, and the pain of unrequited love. A combination of those things mixed with other life experiences is the perfect recipe for empathy, a quality that, when properly developed, will serve them forever.
I know that because I have experienced it. And, although I would never want to relive the past, I would not go back and change my heartache-filled teenage years, even if I could. I can now see how the challenges that I faced so long ago shaped me in a beautiful way.
So I will continue to listen, dry tears, and otherwise cheer from the sidelines while my kids are in the heat of battle, knowing that struggle proceeds growth and triumph. I will try, with every ounce of conviction that is within me, to help my weary teens see that they are amazing and capable and strong. I will tell them a million times over that relationships are complicated, but they are now learning skills that will bless their lives again and again.
I will let them know, through word and action, that I will always be here for them, no matter what.
They may not believe me right now when life feels so hard. But someday, I hope they look back on the difficulties that now threaten to sink them and realize how grateful they are for the lessons they learned in this fire of adversity.
Time has a way of healing wounds and providing greater perspective.
Although I will not step in and solve their problems, no matter how much I would like to, I pray that my consistent support will show my kids that I am their anchor amidst life’s storms, even though I cannot calm the sea. When all is said and done, I believe that is what they truly need from me.
Have you had any experience comforting struggling kids or teens, especially in the realm of relationships? What has or has not worked? Share in the comments section so that we can all learn from each other.
This makes me sad and I’m not even their mom. But I know from having a wonderful mother that they’re going to have all kinds of joy in success in life partly because they have an amazing mom that they’re willing to confide all those things to!!
Joy *and success
Thanks, Emily. They are good kids and I know they will be just fine, but I don’t think that will be because of me. I am very grateful that they are willing to talk to me, though. I think that makes a world of difference.
Yep, this is a super tough one. I was the kid excluded growing up. And as a teacher, I saw it many times. My kids are younger, but I’m not looking forward to the teen years. My kids are still in elementary school and I’m very comfortable in that wheelhouse.
Even though they are still young, I see situations like these. I have one child who isn’t really aware that she excludes certain kids. There are times she’s so blunt that my feelings are hurt for the other child. It puts me right back to fourth grade when I wasn’t invited to things. On the flip side, I sometimes see my other child caught in the middle between friends. He tries to make it work with very very different personalities so everyone is included.
As a family, we talk it through and I remind them that friends come in all different shapes, sizes, and come in and out of your life for different reasons. Not everyone is going to be best friends, but at any age, it hurts to be excluded. I also remind them that your deepest and long lasting friendship come from some of the kids you least expect. We also try to have an open home policy (the home the kids like to come to). Well, we got our wish and now it’s a bit overwhelming at times, but I remind my husband that even though it is loud, crazy and our pantry is often more empty, we know who our kids are hanging out with and the ones that will help, hurt, and influence. My husband is the lead parent and home full-time. Some of the boys have even felt safe enough to share how they feel about other kids on the street. I remind him that knowing that now will only help us in 8 years when our son is out late and we don’t know where he is or our daughter is in her room crying because a boy didn’t ask her out. I’m going to have reread this again in about three or four years. That’s when my kids actually become teens. Thanks for the post. You are about 5 years ahead of us, so it’s nice to get a glimpse of what’s to come. Your perspective is thoughtful, respectful, and Christ-centered. All things I strive to be as a parent.
There is so much incredible wisdom in this comment that I am going to come back and reread it again and again. Like you said, it is difficult to teach this. I know from experience that sometimes kids do not realize they are hurting feelings when they leave people out. It is not intuitive to every child and often needs to be learned through experience. But I LOVE how you are approaching it with your kids. The open door policy does get crazy, but I don’t think you will ever regret it! And open communication with your kids AND their friends is priceless. I think that will save you over and over. Thank you so much for sharing your insight. Coming from a mother and a teacher, it is valuable for all of us!
We have to good the bad and the ugly in the teenage years. I cam across this article this week and loved it. I have kids in all age groups. So interesting how each group of kids have different brain function!
http://www.wsj.com/articles/what-teens-need-most-from-their-parents-1470765906
So interesting…thanks for sharing.