Dear Mom in the store with the screaming kid,
I saw you today in the snack food aisle. I watched as you passed the Oreo’s, and your cute little toddler asked you for some cookies, while your other child who was maybe five years old was pulling boxes of graham crackers off the shelf, and the baby who was in a carrier on your chest started to cry.
I was not trying to be nosy, but I could not help overhearing your gentle, but firm, response that Oreo’s were not on the list this week. I saw the scene that ensued after that, with your happy toddler becoming wildly upset in the blink of an eye. I saw him kicking and heard him screaming over and over at the top of his lungs, “I WANT OREO’S! BUY SOME OREO’S MOM!!!”
You stood your ground. You didn’t give in and buy the Oreo’s. You tried to calm the crying baby and screaming toddler while putting boxes of graham crackers back on the shelf, and then continued with your shopping…at a quicker pace than before.
I continued on my way, but heard the screaming throughout the store. I passed you a couple more times, and noticed that you were looking frazzled and trying to avoid eye contact. I saw the dirty looks that other people gave you, and heard the comments that they mumbled under their breath. Quite honestly, I wanted to give them a piece of my mind.
They probably had no idea that bringing your children to the store with you was the LAST thing that you wanted to do. They probably didn’t realize that your husband was in graduate school and never home, your family lived in another state, and bringing your children to the store to get what you needed was the only real option that you had. They likely didn’t know that you were doing your very best to teach those kids that they would not get what they wanted by throwing a tantrum…even if it was in the middle of the store. Yes, it would be best to leave your cart, take your children out of the store until they calmed down, and then try again. But, in all reality, I’m sure you could not swallow the idea of leaving a full cart of groceries when you were almost done getting what you needed, only to try again later and hope for better results.
I get it.
I totally get it.
I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing a GREAT job! Don’t pay attention to those dirty looks and nasty comments from people who don’t understand that you are not trying to disturb the peace, annoy anybody, or make a scene. They don’t understand that you are, in fact, praying your heart out that you will be able to finish your shopping without any trouble. They don’t understand that you always finish a shopping trip feeling like you have just run a marathon, when you have simply been trying to keep those kids in check so that they don’t bother anybody else. They don’t understand that kids’ behavior can be unpredictable, that it takes YEARS to fully teach them how to behave, that even the best children can have a bad day at the store, and that you are fully aware that there is still a long way to go.
They may not understand, but I do. So keep up the GREAT work.
Keep standing your ground when tantrums about cookies, candy, and toys arise in the store. I promise that giving into those things to keep the peace will only make the problem worse in the long run. You are doing the right thing, even if it makes them scream…and even if there are people who give you nasty looks and mumble under their breath about how you need to learn how to handle your children in public. Never mind them. You are doing the very best that you can, and I applaud you for your efforts, which will surely pay off in the long run.
KEEP IT UP!!
This stage will not last forever.
Love,
A Fellow Mother Who Has Been in Your Shoes
I must say that I have been this mom a time or two with my now five year old daughter who seems to be my most challenging child yet. Its always unsettling to attempt to deesaclate a growing tantrum while others stare and show their disappointment at how poorly they believe you’ve trained your child. However, I learned quickly that tantrums usually have little to do with parenting style and more to do with the nature of the child. My first two children never made naughty public displays, but our last born seemed to be a different gift. She has been strong-willed and filled with determination from the very beginning. She is my store tantrum; screamer; foot stomper; you’re the worst mom ever child, but even so I’ve learned toignore dirty looks snd calmly assure her of my choices.
Keep up the great work! It is so easy to judge, until you take a step back and walk a few steps in another’s shoes. I’m glad you have come to peace with the dirty looks. That is a little bit freeing, isn’t it?
Great article! Amen to all you said! I have so been there!
Thank you for sharing this! Recently had this very thing happen with my 2 yr old & was so crushed by a woman who not only glared & rolled her eyes, but made loud comments meant for me. (As she pushed her infant through the store). It was hard not to wish future tantrums upon her! A kind older lady sympathetically said, “I’ve been there before”. So grateful for the women who encourage us when we feel we’re failing!
Agreed! It is so nice to have others who have been there and understand. Perhaps the lady with the infant will eat her words one day. But, if not, at least you know that you are not alone.
I own a kid’s consignment shop and I feel that part of my job (ministry) is to encourage moms. I make a point to say “you handled that well” when a child goes ballistic and assure them that we’ve all been through it and survived. I’ve had moms start crying when I’ve commented on their good parenting, because they’re really afraid that they’re inadequate and a failure. A sympathetic smile and a quiet “I’ve been there” can be of great encouragement to a frazzled parent in a public setting.
Bless you, Laurel! Those moms are so lucky to have a kind word from you when they are struggling. Thanks for sharing.
I am a mom of two kids that are 13 months apart. My husband traveled for work so if we were going to eat, I had to take both kids to the store. As if getting two kids under two INTO the store wasn’t a challenge enough!
I never took my kids to the car to throw a tantrum. I held my head high and continued through the store. I would not give my child that win. I stood firm and didn’t let their throwing a fit bother me. I’m not one to care about what others think, so I suppose the dirty looks from strangers never bothered me. Instead, I focused my attentions on the child that wasn’t throwing a tantrum and reinforced the good behavior.
I am now a single mom, and while my children are a little older now they know the proper way to behave and they know their limits.
My philosophy is similar, my approach to it is different.
My background:
I was a younger sister & babysat for a few of my older sisters’ children (my nieces and nephews), as young as 12, I babysat for neighbors & my school teachers children and even was a ‘live in’ nanny during a couple of my college years.. and I went on to have two children (boys).
I studied child psychology (though my degree is in sociology) .. and I have to say children throwing tantrums in any public space should not be ignored- what I mean by this is the ‘child’ should not be ignored..listening to his/her needs is not ‘awarding bad behavior’ and usually the tantrum is about needing (not wanting) but actually needing attention from the mom or dad..
Many disagree with me, but it is the truth..
So, how do you successfully stop or curb the child who is melting down? I can tell you what has worked for me in cases with nieces & nephews, while babysitting my teachers kids in high school, and while being a nanny and later a mother.. your child screams:
“Mommy I want ice cream”
the worst thing is to say, “no” instead say “I know you do,and I’d like some, too. But we need to go home and have dinner first and maybe we can have some tomorrow” (if this is something you can actually do later- I do not promote lying)..
The key is not to isolate your child, don’t let them feel they are alone, if you just say “I want some too, but I don’t get it today either” THAT will put you and your child in the ‘same boat’ and I am telling you, it has worked every time!
Another strategy is making a list at home together (I know age plays a role in this one- but even a 3 yr old can help with a list)
and if the child goes into a meltdown you bring out the list & read the next item and say ” oh, we need bananas- let’s see who can find them first” engage the child into participating in collecting everything in the list.. It’s also ok to let the child hold something in the store while shopping- let them hold the box of Grahm crackers though say we are not getting them but you can hold them for now- I say this because it is not good for your psyche or your child’s to continue a tantrum uncontrollably- there are consequences to your own stress level (it’s been proven that Mom’s get in parking lot fender benders after their child(ren) meltdown in a mall or store) so, if you are at the end of your patience, handing the box to your daughter & saying ‘you can hold this but we aren’t buying it today’ to allow you to get through the last 5 aisles and then having the store clerk put it off to the side is not a bad thing to do!
I grew up in a family of 9 children and listening to them as adults, listening to friends, etc about how their parents never listened, cared, etc I believe it’s because of ‘adult distractions’ like bills, work, lack of sleep.. but your child still has a child’s brain, and no matter how ‘smart’ you believe your child to be- the tantrum isn’t about the cookies- it’s about the child needing an extra hug, or needing to be heard, or missing their Dad who is traveling or missing their sibling who just started school..
When we have children we have a huge responsibility to care for them unconditionally – not give in to their every whim, but to engage .. and to pay attention to the ‘good sibling’ isn’t rewarding what it actually is doing is causing ‘sibling rivalry’ and that is never what a parent should ever do because that goes with those children their entire lives!
One last thing that I used to do- throw a silly tantrum yourself- the child will almost always laugh, or at least see how unproductive a tantrum is and you can carry on from there (this works better at home, you can lie down on the floor, stomp your feet and say silly things “I want a bath right now, give me a bath right now!” and sometimes the child will come comfort you- because that is what they want, to be comforted because the tantrum isn’t about the toy the can’t have, it’s about them feeling scared, lonely, or just different..
So, yes- it’s great to see mom’s standing their ground and not opening up the cookies when sugar is the last thing your child should have (at that given moment ) but I do think we need to also realize the tantrum may be a symptom of a problem, insecurity, sadness, confusion of the child.. so, don’t ignore because we as adults don’t like to be ignored, why would a 2,3,4 year old?
Ok, now that I wrote a book… It’s just another perspective you may want to explore!
Terribly written article. I like to ask you why a mother in her right mind would take her child in the cookie also to begin with, is she completely clueless. Also kids should not be taken everywhere because it stresses then out and it’s outright abusive. Okay Oreos are not very good but seriously just leave the kids with Grnadma. You only got to go shopping once a week or once a month if you go to Costco.
Get a baby sitter. It will only cost you $10 dollars if your only gone for one hour.
It will be worth it for everyone’s sanity. We are sick of screaming children in the store and some of us are not afraid to speak up. I comforted a lady yesterday and I am glad I did, she had no right letting hear 7 year old son whin while she was in line. She could of told him to be quite but she did nothing. He was not a baby he was a child and one that should of knew better. I am tired of people not being parents and letting everyone else have to deal with their kids issues. We don’t think its cute or sweet and we like to enjoy our shopping experience. That’s why we avoid your beats by going to the store early or late at night.
While not everybody agrees with my perspective here, those who are in the trenches of motherhood know that sometimes raising children is just plain difficult. We do not always know the circumstances behind a child’s behavior, or about what other challenges parents may be dealing with behind the scenes. This piece was meant to encourage those who may be struggling, and I think we could all try to be a little less judgmental and a little more understanding when a child behaves less than perfectly.