Here I sit in the muddy middle, where nothing is clear, and there are more questions than answers. Each time we think we might be moving, another roadblock appears to delay the process.
More tests. More appointments. More opinions. More surgeons and committees to review my son’s “interesting” case.
Waiting is the story of our lives.
By the grace of God, I have known from the beginning of this journey several weeks ago that everything will somehow turn out alright. But I have no idea what will transpire between now and then. It may involve a path that is wide and manageable, or it could be narrow, steep, and rocky.
I have been through all the scenarios in my mind. I am praying for easy answers and outcomes that will not interfere in a significant way with his first semester of college. I am hopeful and optimistic, but I have also been preparing myself for the possibility of an arduous climb just in case the Lord’s plan is different from mine.
As much as I want answers, a diagnosis, and timelines so I can wrap my mind around whatever comes next, I am growing to appreciate the value of the muddy middle. Here, I am coming face to face with the reality that control is an illusion for everybody but God. Although it is not a comfortable place, it is where I am learning to apply the faith I have spent a lifetime working to develop. It is where I decide if I really believe or not, and what that means for me right now, in this difficult situation.
As I trudge through mud and uncertainty up to my eyeballs, I have the opportunity to trust in a power greater than my own. I can choose to look up with faith rather than down into the murky depths that threaten to swallow me. I can put my life and my son’s life into the hands of the only one who knows what lies ahead and has the power to save us, in this life and the next.
By choosing faith, I am choosing to let go of my own agenda. I am choosing to do everything I can and leave the rest to God. I am choosing to be alright if things turn out in my favor and alright if they don’t. I am choosing not only to believe IN Christ but also to believe Him. I am deciding to follow Him through the darkness, one small step at a time, trusting that He knows the way because He IS the way. (John 14:6)
I will not lie and tell you that any portion of this process has been easy. It has been stressful and worrisome and HARD. Sometimes, I feel strong enough to travel and, at other times, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I often feel like I am holding my life together with a thread but, with the Lord’s help, that thread is turning out to be quite strong.
Life is meant to be challenging. If the path were always easy, we would never grow. I am convinced that sometimes, we must spend time in the muddy middle to teach us that we, with God’s help, can overcome just about anything.
I love your discription of the muddy and darkness. As my mind always turns to that old picture of the tree of life and the spacious building and the darkness and the abyss. We all start out hanging on to the rod and when we hit that darkness or unknown some hang on and continue toward the light. Others let go and lose the light by falling into the abyss or the worlds ways. The challenge is to not let our own fears which constantly plague us to take hold for long, by asking even in the moment to have God calm the fears even in the storm. I do hope for the best scenerio for you both. My brother went through this and he had an excellent surgeon. He survived.
The analogy of the tree is a beautiful one. Hanging on through the darkness is the only way to get there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. And my son is going to be just fine. 🙂